therandomsoflife

So after losing my son Ryley, I begged God that I would never have to go through that again.

(to read Ryley’s story go here http://therandomsoflife.com/2011/11/02/my-story-of-loss/)

When Ryley died, I found out that I had a thyroid problem, lost Ryley in March and had my thyroid removed in May to test for thyroid cancer. I then got pregnant with Trevor around August/September-ish. I was terrified that whole pregnancy, wondering if I would lose him too. I did not, praise God, and then when Trevor was 4 months old, we got pregnant with Hannah. Again with the fear. I wonder if the fear ever goes away. I had an uneventful healthy pregnancy with Hannah too. So I let my guard down a little bit with each pregnancy. Well after Hannah, we waited 5 years to try again.

After months of trying, God blessed us with Timothy!

I was so so sick with my little guy. But I was so happy. I would just praise God that the sick meant that things are going well.

At about 14 weeks into my pregnancy I started detaching myself, I started feeling dread, i started feeling like something bad was going to happen. Was God preparing me for losing my baby? Maybe. I told Him I could not handle another loss. I would have a breakdown. Maybe He was giving me a small heads up or something. I do not know. I did not speak a word of my fears to anyone until about 16 weeks or so and I texted my sister. I told her that I am feeling like I will be getting bad news soon, and the fear is starting to consume me. I tried to brush it off and pray for joy…. I could not brush it off.
At my doctor’s appointment that week, he pulled out the ultrasound wand like usual and checked the baby. He was unusually quick this time. The dumb doctor NEVER showed me my baby, but luckily Matthew was there over his shoulder looking. Well Matthew did not see our baby move and saw no heartbeat. The doctor did not seem concerned though, so Matthew just brushed it off, maybe he did not see correctly or something. I mean, a doctor wouldn’t see a dead baby and not tell us…..right?  I began feeling Timothy move around 13 weeks, and did not feel another movement after 16 weeks. That is another reason the dread and fear never left.
That was at 16.5 weeks, at 17.5 weeks I had a nurse appointment, and then at 18.5 weeks we went for our big ultrasound. I journaled that day “Either the technician is going to tell us happily the gender, or tell us to wait she has to go get the doctor”  I tried to be excited for that appointment, when I texted people i used lots of !!!! and tried….but in my heart i was not happy or excited. I was scared and already a little brokenhearted.
She told us our baby was not moving and she had to go and get the doctor. Then I could not breathe, my chest got tight and I got dizzy…… anxiety attack…..  The doctor confirmed that our baby was dead. Our son was gone. The doctor was excellent, very caring and answered all of our questions very very well. He told us the sooner we checked in to deliver, the better.
We asked for a minute, they left, we cried, and cried and cried…… our poor kids did not know what was happening. Trevor didn’t care and when Hannah realized no baby would be coming home with us, she was so sad.
We left there broken and sad. We began the string of texting people and facebooking our devastating news. The more people we could tell without calling or being face to face, the better.

After making arrangements for Trevor and Hannah and getting an appointment with the hospital, we got it all set to go and would arrive there at 8:30am on May 4th……….ending the day with a lot of tears and no sleep,and a 1am bowl of cereal with my honey, and then more tears….

We got the sitter here, and left, went to check in to the hospital. I am so thankful for Matthew. He did all of the talking. He did it all. He checked me in, and I went to sit down, and then the lady that checked us in comes over and hands me a packet of info on BREASTFEEDING!!! Did she not even peek at the notes while checking me in??? OMG, i was holding it together so good and then I lost it. Then some more waiting and then doctor came to talk to us, the same one from the previous day. again I cried. Then seeing pregnant women coming and checking in, cried some more. Wow, my heart was broken. I longed for my baby to be alive and kicking and moving and growing. This sucks!!

We finally got in a room. They put a leaf and water drop thing on the door so people coming in would know that this was a sad time and not a joyous one, they would know to be extra sensitive. The first nurse said she knew exactly what I was going through and was very sweet. Every loss is different so you don’t really know exactly what I am going through though….i hate when people say that. She was very nice and caring though. All of the nurses and doctors were.

We waited until like 12:30pm for them to administer the first dose of the induction medicine. I got the meds at 12:30pm, 4:30pm, 8:30pm and then pitocin after that. My water broke somewhere between the 4:30pm and 8:30pm meds, but I was not dilating at all really. Thankfully this was all a blur and I had morphine. That stuff saved me from the pain and also dulled the emotional pain. (not advocating drugs to dull heartbreak though) at around 5:20am on May 5th I started feeling pressure and the need to push, I held it off as long as I could and then yelled for Matthew, he yelled for a nurse who yelled for the doctor, and I had to push, just as the doctor was coming in. I delivered my baby and then the tears, panic, fear and heartbreak set in, my whole body began shaking terribly, my chest hurt, i could not breathe and i felt like my world was falling apart.

No parent should go through labor and delivery and not get to hear their baby cry…..

Through all the shaking and hyperventilating all I remember is Matthew’s face, softly and calmly telling me to breathe. I cry just thinking about it now because when I locked eyes with his, and heard his soft voice, and I calmed down instantly and began to breathe.

Then the doctors were asking me if I was sure i wanted to see my baby….. I was like “YES” but he did not look good, he had passed away in the womb longer than they had anticipated I guess. Matthew told me “it’s ok, it’s ok, yes you want to see him” and I did. I held my precious baby boy and cried some more. The sweet nurse took him over and cleaned him up while I finished with the doctor, and then they brought him back. I got to look at him some more, I checked his tiny little feet, I counted his precious little toes, I checked his little fingers, I stared into his little tiny face, I marveled at his tiny little ears and his cute little mouth. And my heart broke more….. I would never hear his sweet newborn cry. I would never change a dirty diaper, I would never get up in the middle of the night with him, I would never see his first steps, or feed him his first real food. I would never get to teach him or see him learn and grow. I was grieving for all of the “never’s”

We got to spend time with him and then they took him down and took a picture for us and we got his footprints on a card, they could not get his little hands, they were too fragile. They brought us a memory box with a little bear and a small blanket and some other things along with his picture. They brought Timothy back and we said one more goodbye.

We got a bit of rest and eventually they moved us to make room for someone that was giving birth to a live baby. I understood they needed to do that but I also felt like “Your baby is dead and gone, time to shove you off and make room for someone that really needs this space” and we got put in this tiny triangle of a room that was very old and creepy looking.

The doctor came in after a bit and we demanded to go home that day. They usually keep you 24 hours after giving birth, but I said NO!!!  So she made us stay 12 hours and ended up letting us go home at 5:30pm.

We got home and rested.

Now I forgot to add, the doctors could not tell me why my son had died. They said chromosomal something maybe, I say it was regarding my thyroid again. Mommy instinct is never wrong. I told the doctor about my nausea, he wouldn’t give me medicine for that, so I keep throwing up my thyroid medicine…..so I was probably not getting the dosage I needed to keep my levels normal in the time between when the levels were checked. It all pans out and makes sense, but they wouldn’t agree with me.

The rest of the blogs here sum up the days following……(http://therandomsoflife.com/). the friends, the funeral, the burial, and my crazy grief emotions….. It has been a crazy journey and I am still very much on it. I am very good most days, but still shed my tears. I always will I think. But I am thankful that my babies are with Jesus. I am thankful that I will meet them one day.